A Silver Lining to My Procrastination Guilt

I don't remember what I was doing a year ago today. Nursing? Probably. Exhausted. For sure. Super motivated to make 2019 an awesome year? Likely indifferent.

On New Years Eve 2018 I was still in the trenches of the newborn phase with my second child, whom if you've skimmed this blog lately you would have no idea about, aside from the fact that my last post was written just a couple of weeks before his birth.

I have spent the better part of this year a bit at war with myself, an in true Mary Katherine fashion, I have literally procrastinated one of my goals for this year until the last minute, to write something on my blog. 

My main goal was to finally document my second child's birth story, but as midnight draws nearer, I have decided to let that go with the resolve that I will soon give it the time and attention it deserves.

So, with that, what is on my mind?

Along with my procrastination efforts here I also attempted to complete another task on my check-list by updating our family Instagram account. I did so feeling some guilt because I have been so horrible at keeping up with it for friends and family afar. Yet, even with that guilt, there was a silver lining. Looking through half a years worth of photos and memories from this year really brought me back to reality. 

If you would have asked me yesterday to define my 2019 in a few words or phrases I probably would have said things like:

"mental illness"

"fatigue"

"sickness"

"self-doubt"

I realized that this year I have probably worn the least amount of make-up than all the other years of the decade combined, and that wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me. 

I realized that I held and snuggled my sons a lot. 

I realized that during all of those days of sickness I had a beautiful and comfortable home to rest and recover in.

I was reminded that my sons freaking love me and never want to leave my side, and even though that drives me crazy sometimes, it is amazing to be loved like that.

This year was full of a lot of hard things, but the love of my family, the comfort of my home, and the joy I feel when I am there with them means more to me than anything in the world.

All of this is not to say that the struggles I faced this year were not challenging. I am still dealing with some of them now, but in reflecting over those pictures I felt closure for what 2019 was for me and peace and hope for what the future has in store. 

I feel ready to start a new year.

No resolutions but to take it one day at a time and never take the now for granted.