Well, here I am. Back on this ghost town of a blog of mine, but I figured now was a good time to get back at it...although, I'm not sure I've ever been very good at being "at it." Anyway...we'll just pretend it hasn't been almost a year since I last posted and I'm just going to go on with it like that didn't happen.
So, I got pregnant last year...and...now I have a baby! Yahoo! It's great, it really is, just don't look at the bags under my eyes and please ignore me when I readjust the nursing pads in my bra, it's natural, OK. Ok.
How about a birth story to get things rolling again?
Here I go.
It was the evening of Monday, May 9th, the day before baby's due date, and I was feeling especially cruddy, and by especially cruddy I mean more cruddy than the "normal cruddy" you start feeling at about 35 weeks pregnant. My lower back was aching like crazy when I got into bed at about 10:00 pm, but I concluded this was due to the fact that I had just been in the kitchen for the past hour doing dishes and sweeping the floor (yes, it took me that long), I was always sore after doing chores, this was normal. I fell asleep fast. That was one thing about pregnancy that was nice, I was always so exhausted, falling asleep was quick.
Well, my slumber did not last long as I was awoken by the sound of a loud pop (yes, this is a thing, I had always read about it, but it really did happen, I was amazed) and a sudden feeling of wetness exiting my womb. My water was breaking....my WATER WAS BREAKING.
"Michael....MICHAEL, my water's breaking," I said as I shook his side of the bed.
"What? Huh?"
"My water is breaking!"
"What do we do? What should I do."
"Nothing, nothing. Just rest. Stay here."
I then waddled my way to the bathroom and assessed the damage. Not too bad. I was prepared for this, had towels under my side of the bed and everything. I grabbed the clothes I had set aside weeks before as my "labor clothes" and quickly put them on. Meanwhile, Michael was up changing the sheets so I could lie down for a little while longer.
I never did. Well, I tried.
As soon as my water broke we started timing contractions. They were consistently 4 minutes and 50 seconds apart. This was active labor. I knew it. I'd read my Lamaze and Ina May books, it was go time!
After changing my clothes, the first thing I did was text my doula, Christi, to let her know things had started. She told us to keep her updated and let her know when the contractions seemed to get stronger and closer together and then she would head our way.
To help distract myself I sat on my yoga ball and started fixing my hair. Yes. For some reason my "in-labor brain" thought it was important for me to have the perfect wave in my hair. By the time I'd finished fixing my hair contractions had really started to pick up. Oh, I forgot to mention that one of the first things I asked Michael to do after my water broke was to make me some toast. All the books say, "keep up your energy, eat during labor," LOL. Yeah right.
Once the contractions started getting stronger, so did the nausea, so I decided maybe I needed to use the facilities, which I did, but whilst using the toilet I needed to throw up, too, so...thank you, trash can. Luckily, the toast seemed to be the only thing in my tummy and this was a one time occurrence. I hate throwing up, so I'm glad it was only once. I've heard of women who vomit multiple times during labor, so glad that wasn't my case.
Like I said, I tried to get some rest, but lying in bed just wasn't comfortable during the contractions. I put my pregnancy pillow on the floor and wrapped myself around it. It helped through a few more contractions, but at this point, I was just ready to go. I thought I would want to stay home for longer. Everything I'd read about natural birthing said how helpful it is for a laboring woman to be comfortable in her own environment, but for me, there was more comfort in knowing that at the hospital there would be a lot more people to help care for me. I wanted to birth natural, but I'm not so crunchy to not want nurses and a doctor there for worst case scenarios; people who had done this before, I had not done this before!
Just as we were prepping to leave I said it for the first time as I was lying on our bedroom floor.
"Michael, I can't do it....I'm going to need the drugs...I can't do it."
"Mary, yes you can. We talked about this, you'll do great."
We arrived outside the ER around 4:00am. I was cold, I was nervous, but I was ready to meet our lil' guy. As Michael helped escort me towards the doors, I stopped just outside the entrance. I needed to pause through this contraction, I didn't want to walk, I said it again as I buried my body into Michael's shoulder,
"I can't do this. It's really going to hurt. This is going to be hard."
"Mary, we talked about this moment. You will be great. You can do it."
"My wife is in labor."
"Okay, when is her due date and who is her doctor?"
"Today. Dr. Hardman."
It must have been a slow night in the ER because they were all so jolly and they all got a real kick out of the fact that I was having my baby on my due date. Everyone did, actually. It doesn't happen, often. Well, not spontaneously. It's funny because my whole pregnancy when people would ask what my due date was I would say May 10th, but "you know, it's just an estimate." It really was the perfect day, though. My sister, her husband, and their 18th month old son had been living with us temporarily and had just moved into their new house the day before, and Michael had finished his last final of the semester the day before as well, so we were in the clear! I guess Baby B knew what was going on and spared us the extra stress. We were able to come home with him with nothing else to worry about.
Anyway...going on.
The ER nurses brought a wheel chair and pushed me to the labor and delivery triage. Luckily, we had all our ducks in a row and as soon as they asked for my I.D. and insurance Michael whipped them out. They got us in quick. They had me dress in a hospital gown before the triage nurse checked to make sure my water had actually broken. Which, it had. She then checked to see how dilated I was, "between a 6 and 7," she said. I was happy to hear this; was hopeful things would progress quickly and I could meet my baby boy soon.
I sat through a couple more contractions in the triage room before they wheeled me down to a delivery room. From this point on, I feel like the whole day is one big mess of a blur. As they wheeled me to my room the nurse asked me a few questions, so they could get things right, which I appreciated, they were just hard to answer sometimes when a contraction would hit!
"Boy or Girl?"
"Boy."
"Do you want him circumcised?"
"No."
"Do you want an epidural?"
"No."
I think she asked a couple more, but those were the important ones. Like I said, I'm glad they did this at this point in my labor before it got so much more intense.
As soon as I got into the room the nurses were quick. They put me on the bed and one nurse drew some blood to verify my blood type, another nurse inserted a port for an I.V. should an emergency arise and I need fluids or medicine. Because I was laboring naturally I didn't have to stay in the bed or hooked up to the monitors constantly, which was nice. The nurses came every half hour to check the baby's heart beat and monitor my contractions.
As soon as they finished all their protocol procedures I was able to get up. I decided I'd try sitting in the rocking chair. At some point while I was in the rocking chair my mama arrived as well as my doula, Christi. By the time Christi arrived, though, I was ready to try something else. I tried standing up to lean against the bed as I breathed through the contractions. This was not super comfortable. I did not like the fact that I felt like I was having to support my entire body, mainly because of having to stand, as I had the contractions. I could not focus on only the contractions, so I decided I wanted to sit in the bed.
My back was absolutely killing me. That was definitely the most painful part of my contractions. I can't even describe now what the sensation was like, but it hurt like hell. Some sort of mix between a fire burning in my lower back muscles and bones and feeling like they were going to pop out of my skin....something like that. It was bad. The nurses brought me some hot packs to put down there as I had contractions. That did help a lot, and Christi and Michael took turns putting counter pressure on the spot where it hurt the most. This was very helpful as well.
Hours went by like this. I pretty much never spoke, only to answer the occasional question asked by a nurse or to ask to be checked for dilation progress. I had my eyes shut about 90% of the time, too. I was so SO tired.
After a couple hours of hot packs and counter pressure they checked me and I think I had made it to an 8. I don't even know the technical term for what was not happening, but basically I was effaced completely, but my cervix was not completely turned the right way. It needed to move some more so baby's head could make an easy descent. To try to remedy this I turned on my side and they put a peanut shaped ball between my legs to keep them spread. It wasn't so uncomfortable, but I had preferred sitting, but at this point I just wanted to be done so I was willing to try anything.
Well, anything that did not require me to use my legs or hold my body up. If I had not been so exhausted, I really think I would have been more willing to get out of the bed and walk, do squats (which looking back would have really helped), or other stretches to help open things up. In fact, preparing for and going into labor that was my whole plan, to not be stuck to the bed, but when it came down to it, that's where I was most comfortable. You really can't plan for it. When you're in labor you do what feels right. My poor doula was trying to be helpful and suggested I try some squats at one point, but I was just SO tired, I could barely speak to say no.
She understood. The whole room understood, and they were all so comforting and compassionate about it. Even my doctor at one point gave me some sympathetic rubs on my shoulder when she came to check on me.
After about 8.5 hours of contractions, I was on my own. They weren't getting any stronger and there was nothing anyone could do for me at this point to make them more bearable. I just held on for dear life to the handles of the bed and moaned through each contraction, I was so tired that I was literally falling asleep between each one.
I mentioned earlier that I hardly spoke during my labor, but what no one in the room knew was that I was having a lot of conversations with myself in my head. I was praying. I was wishing and somehow trying to mentally will my labor to go faster and to communicate with baby boy that he could come faster, please. I though of some of the labor and birth affirmations and scriptures I had typed up and memorized to help me through the process.
I know it seems corny and weird, but thinking of those quotes really helped. Especially those last two. I knew my body was made for this and I wanted to inspire my husband by bringing our son into this world.
After 9.5 hours of labor my contractions were so intense I was feeling the urge to push. I literally couldn't help it, actually, I really wanted to push. I went through a couple contractions like this and finally said out loud, "I want to push. I want to push," so the nurse called in Dr. Hardman and she checked me. She said I was at a 10, but that my cervix was still not in prime position, but, I could start pushing. She said it just might take a little longer than the typical amount of pushing though.
Well, that was the understatement of the year.
An hour goes by. No baby.
Two hours go by. No baby.
After another half hour Dr. Hardman came in and worked through some pushing with me. After she saw where we were at she presented some potential options. Baby's head was visible. In fact, it had been visible for a good while. After maybe the first hour, but he was not moving past my pubic bone, he was stuck. The other issue was my exhaustion. We all believed that because I was so tired, my contractions started to slow down. I would push and fall asleep for maybe 3-4 minutes before the next one would come. Dr. Hardman said she could probably use a vacuum to help pull him out or I could have a C-section, and her knowing what I wanted said, "You'd probably prefer the vacuum to a C-section, right?" Yes, she was correct. She didn't want me to have a C-section either, I could tell she was being patient and respectful of my wishes. She also mentioned that because my contractions had sort of slowed down that I hadn't actually pushed as much at 2.5 hours compared to a woman with close contractions would have at that point, so she was willing to give me some more time, plus, baby was doing fine, so there were no worries.
Another 45 minutes goes by and still no luck. Dr. Hardman returned and worked through some more pushing with me, baby made a little more progress and she seemed more optimistic. She mentioned giving me a little pitocin to bring my contractions closer together so I could push more. I really did not want to do this, but even my mom chimed in, "Mary, I agree, it may not hurt to try." I still did not want to. Then, she asked the nurses, "have we emptied her bladder?" They had not. So, she stuck a catheter in me and relieved my bladder. It was like the flood gates had opened. I did another push and baby made a lot more progress, he actually moved a good bit!! I heard the doctor say she was going to go get her dressing gown and boots, and that was music to my ears!!! I probably pushed for 10 more minutes before she returned with a whole room full of nurses. This was finally it, my baby was going to be in my arms soon!
I don't remember exactly how many contractions I pushed through with the doctor there at this point, but it was probably only 3 or 4. All I know is that he was definitely moving and getting close because I started to feel some pain again. Up until this point the pushing was not painful at all, just a lot of pressure, but this was a burning pain, the ring of fire I'd always heard about, and it was absolute torture feeling his head just sitting there waiting for another contraction to push him out. My last contraction comes and I push, they count to 10, I push, another count to 10, I push, another 10, then the doctor commands, "do one more!" I pushed as hard as I could and finally felt my son slip his way out.
I was done. It was over. Thirteen and a half hours of labor and pushing, done. I pushed my head back into the pillows with a sigh of relief. I heard my son cry. I felt my husband push his head into my neck and say "you did it, Mary, you did it," there were tears in his eyes. I looked around the room. I saw my mom pressing a paper towel to her tear filled eyes, my mother-in-law and Christi were crying, too. Everyone was crying but me! I thought I would, but I was so tired. I was just relieved, totally relieved.
After a minute or so of letting his chord pulse they brought Niall to my chest. He was beautiful. His eyes were wide open and he stopped crying the minute he touched my skin. This was bliss. This was what I worked hard for. He was perfect.
A little addendum:
I cannot speak highly enough about how important my birth team was to me. Without our doula and my mom there for support it would have been much harder for me to achieve the natural birth I wanted, I think I would have given up without their support. Having my mother there, knowing she birthed me the same way was both inspirational and motivating. Thanks, mommy!
Hiring a doula was the best decision we made during my pregnancy. She was amazing, not just for her physical help, but her comforting presence and demeanor, it made a world of difference for me and Michael to help keep us both calm and focused. It seems like nothing, but her simple words of encouragement and advice were so helpful in keeping me focused and determined through my contractions and pushing, so thank you, Christi, your help was priceless!
I didn't think I could do it, but now that I have I have truly come to know a different part of myself. I found a strength in me I did not know I had, a strength and courage that transformed me into a mother. It's a beautiful thing.
Well, my slumber did not last long as I was awoken by the sound of a loud pop (yes, this is a thing, I had always read about it, but it really did happen, I was amazed) and a sudden feeling of wetness exiting my womb. My water was breaking....my WATER WAS BREAKING.
"Michael....MICHAEL, my water's breaking," I said as I shook his side of the bed.
"What? Huh?"
"My water is breaking!"
"What do we do? What should I do."
"Nothing, nothing. Just rest. Stay here."
I then waddled my way to the bathroom and assessed the damage. Not too bad. I was prepared for this, had towels under my side of the bed and everything. I grabbed the clothes I had set aside weeks before as my "labor clothes" and quickly put them on. Meanwhile, Michael was up changing the sheets so I could lie down for a little while longer.
I never did. Well, I tried.
As soon as my water broke we started timing contractions. They were consistently 4 minutes and 50 seconds apart. This was active labor. I knew it. I'd read my Lamaze and Ina May books, it was go time!
After changing my clothes, the first thing I did was text my doula, Christi, to let her know things had started. She told us to keep her updated and let her know when the contractions seemed to get stronger and closer together and then she would head our way.
To help distract myself I sat on my yoga ball and started fixing my hair. Yes. For some reason my "in-labor brain" thought it was important for me to have the perfect wave in my hair. By the time I'd finished fixing my hair contractions had really started to pick up. Oh, I forgot to mention that one of the first things I asked Michael to do after my water broke was to make me some toast. All the books say, "keep up your energy, eat during labor," LOL. Yeah right.
Once the contractions started getting stronger, so did the nausea, so I decided maybe I needed to use the facilities, which I did, but whilst using the toilet I needed to throw up, too, so...thank you, trash can. Luckily, the toast seemed to be the only thing in my tummy and this was a one time occurrence. I hate throwing up, so I'm glad it was only once. I've heard of women who vomit multiple times during labor, so glad that wasn't my case.
Like I said, I tried to get some rest, but lying in bed just wasn't comfortable during the contractions. I put my pregnancy pillow on the floor and wrapped myself around it. It helped through a few more contractions, but at this point, I was just ready to go. I thought I would want to stay home for longer. Everything I'd read about natural birthing said how helpful it is for a laboring woman to be comfortable in her own environment, but for me, there was more comfort in knowing that at the hospital there would be a lot more people to help care for me. I wanted to birth natural, but I'm not so crunchy to not want nurses and a doctor there for worst case scenarios; people who had done this before, I had not done this before!
Just as we were prepping to leave I said it for the first time as I was lying on our bedroom floor.
"Michael, I can't do it....I'm going to need the drugs...I can't do it."
"Mary, yes you can. We talked about this, you'll do great."
We arrived outside the ER around 4:00am. I was cold, I was nervous, but I was ready to meet our lil' guy. As Michael helped escort me towards the doors, I stopped just outside the entrance. I needed to pause through this contraction, I didn't want to walk, I said it again as I buried my body into Michael's shoulder,
"I can't do this. It's really going to hurt. This is going to be hard."
"Mary, we talked about this moment. You will be great. You can do it."
"My wife is in labor."
"Okay, when is her due date and who is her doctor?"
"Today. Dr. Hardman."
It must have been a slow night in the ER because they were all so jolly and they all got a real kick out of the fact that I was having my baby on my due date. Everyone did, actually. It doesn't happen, often. Well, not spontaneously. It's funny because my whole pregnancy when people would ask what my due date was I would say May 10th, but "you know, it's just an estimate." It really was the perfect day, though. My sister, her husband, and their 18th month old son had been living with us temporarily and had just moved into their new house the day before, and Michael had finished his last final of the semester the day before as well, so we were in the clear! I guess Baby B knew what was going on and spared us the extra stress. We were able to come home with him with nothing else to worry about.
Anyway...going on.
The ER nurses brought a wheel chair and pushed me to the labor and delivery triage. Luckily, we had all our ducks in a row and as soon as they asked for my I.D. and insurance Michael whipped them out. They got us in quick. They had me dress in a hospital gown before the triage nurse checked to make sure my water had actually broken. Which, it had. She then checked to see how dilated I was, "between a 6 and 7," she said. I was happy to hear this; was hopeful things would progress quickly and I could meet my baby boy soon.
I sat through a couple more contractions in the triage room before they wheeled me down to a delivery room. From this point on, I feel like the whole day is one big mess of a blur. As they wheeled me to my room the nurse asked me a few questions, so they could get things right, which I appreciated, they were just hard to answer sometimes when a contraction would hit!
"Boy or Girl?"
"Boy."
"Do you want him circumcised?"
"No."
"Do you want an epidural?"
"No."
I think she asked a couple more, but those were the important ones. Like I said, I'm glad they did this at this point in my labor before it got so much more intense.
As soon as I got into the room the nurses were quick. They put me on the bed and one nurse drew some blood to verify my blood type, another nurse inserted a port for an I.V. should an emergency arise and I need fluids or medicine. Because I was laboring naturally I didn't have to stay in the bed or hooked up to the monitors constantly, which was nice. The nurses came every half hour to check the baby's heart beat and monitor my contractions.
As soon as they finished all their protocol procedures I was able to get up. I decided I'd try sitting in the rocking chair. At some point while I was in the rocking chair my mama arrived as well as my doula, Christi. By the time Christi arrived, though, I was ready to try something else. I tried standing up to lean against the bed as I breathed through the contractions. This was not super comfortable. I did not like the fact that I felt like I was having to support my entire body, mainly because of having to stand, as I had the contractions. I could not focus on only the contractions, so I decided I wanted to sit in the bed.
My back was absolutely killing me. That was definitely the most painful part of my contractions. I can't even describe now what the sensation was like, but it hurt like hell. Some sort of mix between a fire burning in my lower back muscles and bones and feeling like they were going to pop out of my skin....something like that. It was bad. The nurses brought me some hot packs to put down there as I had contractions. That did help a lot, and Christi and Michael took turns putting counter pressure on the spot where it hurt the most. This was very helpful as well.
Hours went by like this. I pretty much never spoke, only to answer the occasional question asked by a nurse or to ask to be checked for dilation progress. I had my eyes shut about 90% of the time, too. I was so SO tired.
After a couple hours of hot packs and counter pressure they checked me and I think I had made it to an 8. I don't even know the technical term for what was not happening, but basically I was effaced completely, but my cervix was not completely turned the right way. It needed to move some more so baby's head could make an easy descent. To try to remedy this I turned on my side and they put a peanut shaped ball between my legs to keep them spread. It wasn't so uncomfortable, but I had preferred sitting, but at this point I just wanted to be done so I was willing to try anything.
Well, anything that did not require me to use my legs or hold my body up. If I had not been so exhausted, I really think I would have been more willing to get out of the bed and walk, do squats (which looking back would have really helped), or other stretches to help open things up. In fact, preparing for and going into labor that was my whole plan, to not be stuck to the bed, but when it came down to it, that's where I was most comfortable. You really can't plan for it. When you're in labor you do what feels right. My poor doula was trying to be helpful and suggested I try some squats at one point, but I was just SO tired, I could barely speak to say no.
She understood. The whole room understood, and they were all so comforting and compassionate about it. Even my doctor at one point gave me some sympathetic rubs on my shoulder when she came to check on me.
After about 8.5 hours of contractions, I was on my own. They weren't getting any stronger and there was nothing anyone could do for me at this point to make them more bearable. I just held on for dear life to the handles of the bed and moaned through each contraction, I was so tired that I was literally falling asleep between each one.
I mentioned earlier that I hardly spoke during my labor, but what no one in the room knew was that I was having a lot of conversations with myself in my head. I was praying. I was wishing and somehow trying to mentally will my labor to go faster and to communicate with baby boy that he could come faster, please. I though of some of the labor and birth affirmations and scriptures I had typed up and memorized to help me through the process.
"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."
- Philippians 4:13
"Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He shall lift you up."
- James 4:10
"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord they God is with the withersoever thou goest." - Joshua 1:9
"The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you, because it IS you."
- Unknown
"It does a man good to see his lady being brave while she has their baby, it inspires him."
- Ina May Gaskin
After 9.5 hours of labor my contractions were so intense I was feeling the urge to push. I literally couldn't help it, actually, I really wanted to push. I went through a couple contractions like this and finally said out loud, "I want to push. I want to push," so the nurse called in Dr. Hardman and she checked me. She said I was at a 10, but that my cervix was still not in prime position, but, I could start pushing. She said it just might take a little longer than the typical amount of pushing though.
Well, that was the understatement of the year.
An hour goes by. No baby.
Two hours go by. No baby.
After another half hour Dr. Hardman came in and worked through some pushing with me. After she saw where we were at she presented some potential options. Baby's head was visible. In fact, it had been visible for a good while. After maybe the first hour, but he was not moving past my pubic bone, he was stuck. The other issue was my exhaustion. We all believed that because I was so tired, my contractions started to slow down. I would push and fall asleep for maybe 3-4 minutes before the next one would come. Dr. Hardman said she could probably use a vacuum to help pull him out or I could have a C-section, and her knowing what I wanted said, "You'd probably prefer the vacuum to a C-section, right?" Yes, she was correct. She didn't want me to have a C-section either, I could tell she was being patient and respectful of my wishes. She also mentioned that because my contractions had sort of slowed down that I hadn't actually pushed as much at 2.5 hours compared to a woman with close contractions would have at that point, so she was willing to give me some more time, plus, baby was doing fine, so there were no worries.
Another 45 minutes goes by and still no luck. Dr. Hardman returned and worked through some more pushing with me, baby made a little more progress and she seemed more optimistic. She mentioned giving me a little pitocin to bring my contractions closer together so I could push more. I really did not want to do this, but even my mom chimed in, "Mary, I agree, it may not hurt to try." I still did not want to. Then, she asked the nurses, "have we emptied her bladder?" They had not. So, she stuck a catheter in me and relieved my bladder. It was like the flood gates had opened. I did another push and baby made a lot more progress, he actually moved a good bit!! I heard the doctor say she was going to go get her dressing gown and boots, and that was music to my ears!!! I probably pushed for 10 more minutes before she returned with a whole room full of nurses. This was finally it, my baby was going to be in my arms soon!
I don't remember exactly how many contractions I pushed through with the doctor there at this point, but it was probably only 3 or 4. All I know is that he was definitely moving and getting close because I started to feel some pain again. Up until this point the pushing was not painful at all, just a lot of pressure, but this was a burning pain, the ring of fire I'd always heard about, and it was absolute torture feeling his head just sitting there waiting for another contraction to push him out. My last contraction comes and I push, they count to 10, I push, another count to 10, I push, another 10, then the doctor commands, "do one more!" I pushed as hard as I could and finally felt my son slip his way out.
My whole world in one picture. :)
A little addendum:
I cannot speak highly enough about how important my birth team was to me. Without our doula and my mom there for support it would have been much harder for me to achieve the natural birth I wanted, I think I would have given up without their support. Having my mother there, knowing she birthed me the same way was both inspirational and motivating. Thanks, mommy!
Hiring a doula was the best decision we made during my pregnancy. She was amazing, not just for her physical help, but her comforting presence and demeanor, it made a world of difference for me and Michael to help keep us both calm and focused. It seems like nothing, but her simple words of encouragement and advice were so helpful in keeping me focused and determined through my contractions and pushing, so thank you, Christi, your help was priceless!
I didn't think I could do it, but now that I have I have truly come to know a different part of myself. I found a strength in me I did not know I had, a strength and courage that transformed me into a mother. It's a beautiful thing.
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